True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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