9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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