so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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