The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
