he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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