So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
