Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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