Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
