Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
