Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize