We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
