He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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