i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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