omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
