her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
