My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
