Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i drank out of a bidet.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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