How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
