I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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