You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
