here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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