Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
