I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
