Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
