Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
