I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
