My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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