I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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