i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
