I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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