Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
