Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
