Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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