idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
