I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
