Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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