this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
