Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
