my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize