i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
