tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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