I'm pants shitting drunk right now
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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