he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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