I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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