I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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