I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize