I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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