i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
