if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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