The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
this hospital has no fireball
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
