So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
