I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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