I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
