i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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