Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
