the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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