Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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