you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
